Ritual: Stare into and meditate on the image for 1-5 minutes. Read the full piece below. Come back to the image after and repeat the examination. Reflect on/write about everything that comes up.

Mirror mirror

What do you see?

Mirror mirror

What is seeing you?

The eyes of all are watching the divinity of The All That Is reflected in every one of us.

Realize…

Open your real eyes…

And see yourself as you truly are…

How Olodumare sees you…

And thus Itself. 

Those who know me well and have seen my work are aware of how drawn to feathers I am…how instrumental they have been as keys to opening doors leading to deep tranformation. So of course, on the day I was to present my ritual story A Tale of 900 Crow Feathers—one of two times at the Oregon Country Fair in July, and the 6th time in general since creating the work—I would stumble upon a vendor selling masks, headpieces, and adornment items made from a beautiful array of feathers. I was stunned by the magnificence of each creation. Some bore feathers with hues I’d never seen in their particular forms.

One mask in particular drew my attention. I stared at it for a few minutes—taking in its configuration and coloration. I was especially struck by the blanched peacock feathers. Again, those who know me (and who practice the tradition I do) know my/our connection with peacock feathers.* I wondered about and asked if they had been manipulated. I also considered that they could be natural. After all, not too long ago, I learned about the existence of white peacocks. I figured these feathers could have come from one of those intriguing  and magical beings. 

An attendant there (and to whom I had posed the question about the authenticity of the colors) mentioned that the creator of the pieces and owner of the shop could tell me everything I wanted to know. She had a special connection with every single feather that contributed to the life of each piece. That news didn’t surprise me: I could feel the vibration of the intentionality and relationships while standing in and moving through their designated space.

The attendant was about to look for the creator, but I stopped her and asked if I could try on the mask holding my gaze.  Various levels of my being were engaging It…Them (I will continue referring to this one mask in the proper bolded plural form). I was hearing that I need to get closer to and intimate with Them. They were observing me as much as I was Them.They were stepping forward as a mirror. “Absolutely!” She said. They said. We all said. 

The attendant removed the majestic piece from Their position and prepared to go mount Them on my head. I mentioned to her how serendipitous the moment and encounter was given that I was set to speak later that day about ritual through my story. She was delighted to hear this information and shared that a number of their clients used the masks in and for ceremony. That made absolute sense to me—from my perspective, a certain level and practice of reverence was required for truly communing with the majority, if not all the pieces. I could feel that the attendant understood this idea given the delicacy with which she handled Them and me. I was instructed on the way to hold Them to be the most helpful to her as she went about her work. I followed and felt it all. As we moved through this adornment ritual together, I noticed the subtle vacillation happening within my emotional body. I was rapidly shifting back and forth between excitement and anxiety. 

On the one hand, there was an innate curiosity to see how They would look on me. Part of me that knows (or has an idea about) what enhances and aligns with my physical appearance. On the other hand there was a nervousness that felt both familiar and new-ish.

Familiar: Part of me has held on to a great deal of conditioning and outside projections around how my face is structured (which includes the shape of my head) and other facets we lump into our beliefs about what determines beauty. And a part of [that part] of me negatively judges how I look in anything, regardless of how it actually aligns and works with me.

New-ish: I had this odd fear that I would be disappointed if Their majesty wouldn’t translate when added to me….that I wouldn’t be beautiful in Them.

I’m grateful that another part of me sat in between, and perhaps even hovered over all the others. It is the neutral witness that allows itself to just wait and see what the message is. It knows the lesson will be whatever it will need to be, regardless of the expected or desired outcome.

After the attendant finished tying the strings gently but firmly at the back of my head, she brought me to a mirror. I examined the reflection…taking in and moving through all of responses and reactions happening in multiple senses across dimensions. “We’re not for you.” I heard. Or perhaps it was “This isn’t me.” I moved through what perhaps was the grief of that recognition. They were still gorgeous. But sitting on my face, something was off. 

“How does it feel?” Asked the attendant. I was attentive to and gave extra weight to that word: feel. They felt heavy. I knew it was an energetic feeling that was paving the way for healing while simultaneously reflecting healing that had already been done. I shared what was coming up with the attendant and our conversations continued to shape my reflections. As we spoke, a few people walked by—some extending flattering compliments through words, and some offering looks of admiration and fascination. Throughout it all, They continued telling me They weren’t for me. 

After having Them removed, again with assistance and the energy of ceremony, I walked around to see if there was a more aligned mask. I don’t know why I was so intent on finding “the one”—especially because my bank account at the time wasn’t gonna let me be great by purchasing any one of them. Nevertheless, I insisted on continuing my search. With all these beautiful pieces, surely there had to be one that would work. Then…

BOOM! 

Lightening bolt.

Illumination.

I felt/heard/understood:

STOP HIDING!

I realized that Their presence in my life in this particular crossroad of space and time had been to show me that no matter how beautiful the covering(s), they would be an obstruction that contributed to the energy of hiding. Given all the work I have done to step out, They were encouraging me to continue moving forward and toward the direction of being seen. Within this portal (disguised as a feather mask shop) I had to make the decision as to whether I would collapse back and [dis] integrate [into] old versions of me, or continue propelling myself forward in the fullness of my presence. Doing the later would heal them—the multitude of past me—along the way.  

Wow!

Of course I was in a bit of resistance upon the initial shock of the message; and I gave myself grace for that. There was no rush. I knew I was in the process of alchemy and integration. The energy was rippling through and shifting my DNA. I allowed for whatever time was needed to ground into the shifts occurring. The process is the point, and every moment along the experience is perfect as it is, no matter what it is.

I asked to see a piece that covered less of my face—thinking partial obstruction was the issue. Similar to Them, it was adorned with peacock feathers, but of the coloring I am most familiar. Surely this one would look “better” on me. As I began to mount it on my face (it required less assistance than They did), I already knew: Nope. It’s still you hiding. I humored myself anyway by completing the placement and observing myself in the same mirror. “No. Hiding.” said myself through the mirror. “You are enough. You are beautiful. No need to add anything to make you more.” The whisper of my consciousness through the collective voices of all the pieces in that store was uplifting.

Old beliefs, ideas, and notions were being brought up, drowned out, blown away, burned through in order to allow the recognitions of worthiness, value, beauty and other existential affirmations to crystallize in new ways. The Ọṣun within and around me had seeped in and through that space and time to remind me of who I am as seen through her eyes: a reflection of God’s beauty and love. How can I not be—I exist. Period. 

No matter how much past versions of me who chose hiding show up in any moment to persuade me to play out their old behaviors, the present version of me REMEMBERS who I came here to be….who I am. My message to the collective of past me:

Thank you for what you chose (on some level) to experience.

I am healed. 

I am different. 

I’m not you. 

You too are beautiful.

You always have been. 

You always will be. 

You can choose something different.

I will show you the way. 

I love you. 

I am grateful to THEM for helping me see myself even more clearly. Perhaps we will meet again one day. And if we do, I look forward to what They will share with that version of me.

Questions for you (reader) to reflect on and through:

1. What masks do you wear and why?

2. In what ways are you hiding who/what you truly are?

3. Who do you prefer to be?

4. What does freedom mean for you?

5. Who (or what) has inspired you to show up as more of yourself…to not hide? If that person is alive and you have access to them, reach out and say thank you. Even if it’s a situation, circumstance, place, or non-human being, or inanimate thing, you can say thank you to it in some way.

PS…

The majority of the above was written months ago, during my time in Oregon this past July. I had started typing notes in my phone for what I thought would be a short social media post reflecting on my mask encounter. It became clear it was more. I emailed the initial draft to myself then, imagining I would finish and post it after returning from my trip. I completely forgot about it. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I was reminded of it after my friend Camille sent pictures we had taken with our friend Sanyu at an art exhibit. I was struck by my reflection and something I had never noticed (or rather, had often judged negatively). Our reflections about how we see ourselves versus how others see us and the image of the mirror brought the mask story back to mind. So much gratitude to my sister friends for being my reflections. So much gratitude to the artwork of Ragni Agarwal for the activation and reminder!

*PPS: On peacock feathers…

I was listening to a message my Baba recently sent in our community chat room about Ọṣun's connection to peacock/peacock feathers from scriptures within our sacred text. It was a new layer for me as I had somehow had the impression that her association with peacock feathers was more of a diasporic adaptation versus an element from the Iṣeṣe—ie traditional expression—of Ifa and Oriṣa.  It was a simple yet beautiful message that adds a sweet layer to the reflection I share above, signifying that Ọṣun is always looking out for me, in all the ways.

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